Mixtape
by ellenvan
Summary: Santana must think of a gift for Brittany for their one year anniversary, and so she decides to make a CD representing their relationship
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

It was the night before our first anniversary, and I was sitting up in the dimly lit guest room of our apartment, desperately thinking of a way to show her how much she meant to me. Britt had come up with this "brilliant" idea of making each other something for our anniversary, because we didn't have much money in our coffers right now. Over the past week, I have been sitting, thinking about what I could possibly make for Britt to show her how much I love her. I tried poetry, but most of it turned out all "Songs of Solomon". My personal favorite was "I love you so much Britt, I especially love your tit. Both of them really, not just one. Writing about your boobs turns me on." I tried art, but the things I painted all ended up looking like her boobs on steroids. I tried to write a song, but they all seemed artificial and cheesy. So here I sat, terrified that my baby would wake up tomorrow and not have a gift from me. I kicked the desk in righteous fury, and jumped out of my seat when a couple of errant CD cases crashed to the floor.

Suddenly, those CD cases gave me a great idea! A mixed CD, full of songs that reminded me of our relationship. Why didn't I think of it before? I opened iTunes and browsed through my songs, biting my lip and thinking about how each song could fit us. I knew I'd be at this all night, but I also knew my girl would love it.


	2. Kiss That Counted

#1: Kiss That Counted

Artist: Catie Curtis

Santana shut her eyes, and plugged her ears, hoping to block out the sound of her phone. It had been ringing off and on for the past hour, the screen lighting up and the phone erratically bouncing up and down like a jumping bean. She had tried music, but it had reminded her of what had happened between Brittany and her a few hours ago, and that made her queasy and nervous. She bit her lip as she saw that Britt left her a message, and made herself listen to the upset tones of her best friend.

"San, I don't get why you aren't picking up! I thought you'd want to kiss me. Did my breath stink? Was I that bad of a kisser? Do you regret it? Please call me back San, I'm worried you hate me now!" -Beep!-

San closed her eyes, fighting back the tears she knew were coming. Of course Britt wouldn't understand why she wasn't talking to her. Britt has to think that this is all her fault. Santana sighed, knowing she'd have to call Brittany back, but not knowing what to say. She tried to hold back her panic as she thought back on the kiss that changed everything.

She and Britt had been in her room, watching their favorite episode of Sailor Moon. Brittany had just spent an hour chuckling over the fact that Santana told Britt that Sailor Venus and penis rhymed. San had rolled her eyes, but secretely loved the fact that she could make her best friend laugh to readily and so easily. They sat as they always did, on her couch, facing the large TV Santana's father had bought to make up for him being away for a month. They cuddled up close under a big feather blanket, their bodies cozy and touching, and their hands brushing each others. A commercial came on and Brittany turned to look at Santana. There was something in her gaze that made Santana's heart skip a beat, and she gulped and tried to get her heart rate back to normal.

Britt had leaned in and brushed a strand of hair away from Santana's face, soothing the wrinkles that had appeared on Santana's forehead. She had leaned in further, and rubbed her nose on Santana's, smiling softly, her eyes never leaving Santana's. Then she gently kissed the side of Santana's mouth, her lips feeling feather light and soft. A waft of pure Brittany scent hit Santana's nose, full of strawberries and joy. It made her stomach flip. Before she knew it, Santana had turned her face, kissing Brittany back, and eliciting a soft moan from her. It was not a passionate kiss, and not a lustful kiss. It was pure, and chaste. Santana had kissed before, but it had never left her feeling like this. Her heart was in her throat as she desperately fought to control her heart rate. She had been the first to pull away, and after realizing she had just kissed a girl, she had pushed Brittany off of her, and told her to leave.

Santana remembered all this in detail, and winced when she remembered how hurt Brittany had looked. She sighed again and picked her up phone, calling back her best friend to let her know that she could never hate her.

_I shut my windows and my eyes_

_I put on my headphones_

_And I stayed inside_

_But all these love songs_

_pouring through my veins_

_Carried you to me_

_This would be the kiss that counted_

_The one that mattered_

_My life before me undone_

_This would be the kiss that counted_

_The one that shattered my defenses_

_Bringing me emotion_


	3. Pinky Promise

#2: Pinky Promise

Artist: School Boy Humor

Santana and Brittany clung to each other as they heard the screaming coming from downstairs. Santana wished she could get them out of her house, but she knew she couldn't without going past her parents. The last time she went downstairs when her parents were fighting, she ended up having to get ten stitches after a stray bottle had hit her in the face, cutting above her eye. She knew better than that now, and held her best friend close as the shouting grew louder and louder.

Brittany's eyes were wide with fear as she realized that this was a part of Santana's life that she could not help with. Inside, she was so torn up about Santana living like this, dealing with this on a day to day basis. She knew that her friend had a hard life at home, but she never knew how bad it was, and how terrifying her parents could be.

There was a crash of breaking glass downstairs, and the two girls jumped, and whimpered, drawing closer together. Brittany noticed that Santana flinched at every screamed profanity, and jumped at every loud noise. After a particularly loud swear word, Brittany noticed a single tear running down the cheek of her best friend. She wiped it away with her thumb, and found Santana's clenched hand under the covers. She gently drew it out of a fist, and held it in her own, cradling it close to her chest, trying to send love to her best friend. Santana's hand clasped Brittany's tightly, knowing that someone loved her, even when her parents seemed to forget she was in the house.

Brittany kissed Santana lightly on the lips, drawing a small gasp and smile from her best friend. Santana loved when Brittany kissed her, it never felt forced or rough, it was always gentle and loving. Santana's smile faded again as the yelling rose to a new noise level, and whispered to her best friend.

"Promise me you'll never leave?" Brittany nodded, her eyes full of tears and honesty. Santana shook her head. "No, pinky promise me you'll never leave me alone."

"I promise San." Brittany said, holding up their joined pinkies for Santana to see. "As long as my pinky is joined with yours, my life is joined with yours." She kissed Santana's nose softly, and held her tight as the yelling went on into the night.

_Will you hold my hand_

_Will you kiss me and_

_Pinky promise me_

_That you will never leave_


	4. Speechless

_#3: Speechless _

_Artist: The Veronicas _

Santana glanced at her clock, knowing that in a few short hours, Brittany would be coming home from the dance camp she had been away at for the summer. She couldn't wait to see her best friend again, and be able to touch her and hug her. Santana had spent her summer watching endless hours of Friends while trying her hand at painting, sculpturing, knitting and latch-hooking. All that the summer had gotten her was an extensive Friends knowledge, and a mass of string and yarn. She had never been so happy to know that she wasn't going to be alone anymore.

Brittany had left right after school started and had been gone for a month. Santana had tried to convince her parents to send her to the camp with Brittany, but her Papi had told her that he was not going to waste his money sending her to a camp where she would learn to act like a stripper. Santana had fought long and hard with him about it, but ended it when he'd raised a finger, showing her that he'd reached a breaking point. She'd conceded defeat then, and watched gloomily as Brittany had left for her camp.

There had been a few late night phone calls, crackly and brief. Brittany's voice was always full of joy, as she whispered the wonders of Camp Dancypants. The mere sound of her voice made Santana smile in glee, and her whole body lit up like it had found a power source. Brittany was the source on which Santana ran, and it was so relieving to be fueled up again.

Santana suddenly frowned as a new thought hit her. How many of her friends could say that they needed their best friend around to keep them going? How many of them would say that they were not interested in the many guys, but only wanted their best friend? How many kissed their best friends, and had dreams where they did more? How many longed to whisper quiet love songs in their ear?

"This isn't normal." She thought. "It's not normal to love your best friend." That's when it hit her full force. She, Santana Fucking Lopez, was in love with a girl. With Brittany S. Pierce, her best friend. Which in essence meant, Santana was a lesbian.

She felt short of breath, like there was something large and imposing sitting on her chest, cutting off the air to her lungs. She felt dizzy, desperate for something to stop her heart from racing and pounding her ears. She felt gross as she imagined Brittany's lips on hers, knowing that she wasn't normal. She bit her lip to stop the tears from coming when she realized that she was in love and could never ever let anyone know.

_I thought I could resist you_

_I thought that I was strong_

_Somehow you were different from what I've known_

_I didn't see you coming_

_You took me by surprise and_

_You stole my heart before I could say no_

_Falling head over heels_

_Thought I knew how it feels_

_But with you it's like the first day of my life_


	5. My Skin

_#_ 4: My Skin

Artist: Natalie Merchant

Santana wished she could sink into the floor and disappear. The sounds of fighting and crying were overwhelming and were clashing around in her head. She could almost feel the tension and anger, as thick as poison gas, choking her and making her blind. Then she heard it, a scream that shook her very core. She knew then that something had gone wrong, and she needed to go down to make sure her mom was still alive.

She edged her way down the stairs, terrified of what she might find at the bottom on them. She wasn't a little girl anymore, but her Papi still terrified her and made her stomach churn. She knew her Mami was brave to face her Papi, but she also knew she wasn't strong enough to take him on when he started to hit her. Mami took the hits for Santana, so that she wouldn't be hurt, but what Mami didn't know was that every cut and bruise she took bloomed and cut deeply in Santana's bleeding broken heart.

There, at the bottom of the stairs was her Mami, laying still and quiet. Santana ran down the stairs, coming to her Mami's side as quickly as she could, knowing she needed to call 911 right away. She was too busy checking for a pulse to notice her Papi coming to stand behind her. She jumped when he spoke and whirled around to face him.

"She had it coming Princess. She told me that I needed to get out. She told me I wasn't a good Papi to you, and that you wanted me to leave. I told her to stop lying. I told her that my Princess loved me. She wouldn't stop Princess. I had to make her stop."

I shook, my heart in my throat as I realized he had pushed my mother down the stairs. I was terrified, but at the same time, I knew I needed to say what I was feeling.

"I don't love you Papi. You hurt me, and you hurt Mami. You can't honestly think that I will forgive you for all you've done. I hurt in my heart Papi. You have caused my heart to be flawed and broken and bleeding. You did that Papi, not her. Stop calling me Princess Papi. What Princess would have a father who tries to kill her mother?"

I knew the blow was coming, but it still caught me off guard. I hit the ground hard, my lip split and bleeding, my blood mixing with my mother's. I still sensed he was there, but knew I needed Mami to get help. I placed my body over hers as he kicked me repeatedly, knowing somehow that help would come. And it did several minutes later in the form of my best friend leading the police through the door to arrest my Papi.

_I've been treated so wrong_

_I've been treated so long_

_As if I'm becoming untouchable_

_Contempt loves the silence_

_It thrives in the dark_

_With fine winding tendrils_

_That strangle the heart_


	6. Breathless

#5 Breathless

Artist: Corrine Bailey Rae

Santana lay on her side, curled into the warm body next to her. She couldn't help but let her gaze wander up and down the length of her best friend's body. She could hardly believe that after months and months of dreaming about being with Brittany this way, they had finally made love. And that's what it was, Santana told herself, not sex, not fucking, but making love, pure and simple. It had been so perfect and heartwrenching and beautiful, and after they had finished, Santana found herself crying.

Brittany had held her close to her chest, making shushing noises and rubbing her back in small circles. Her eyebrows were furrowed and worried as she watched her best friend sob. "Did I hurt you San? Did you hate it? What's the matter San!" She whispered, her voice full of guilt and worry. Santana shook her head, mumbling into her pillow. Brittany put a finger under Santana's chin and looked into her eyes. "Say that again baby, I didn't hear you." She cooed, her voice full of love.

Santana sighed, not wanting to meet Brittany's eyes. "You didn't hurt me Brit." She said, wiping her nose with the back of hand, wishing she could take back the last hour, but knowing deep down that what happened was something she'd never forget.

Brittany kissed the top of Santana's head. "Okay good. I was scared for a minute." She sighed, and held Santana's body closer to hers, loving the way her skin on Santana's felt. "Does this mean we are dating San? Cause I want to date you and do that all the time."

Santana's head came up, and she met Brittany's eyes, worry and fear flickering for a moment before being replaced by anger. She pushed away from Brittany, covering her chest with her arms and bringing up her knees. "No Brittany. Girls can't date each other. Girls aren't supposed to have sex with each other. Besides Britt, sex isn't dating." She said the last part as an afterthought, knowing she wanted to have sex with Brittany again. Brittany looked puzzled and confused, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Don't you want to be with me San? That was my first time. You were my first San. My mom always said to save it for someone you loved, and I did that. I want to be with you, I want to be your girlfriend. I just don't get it." She said, her eyes so sad and hurt. It broke Santana's heart to see Brittany looking so broken, knowing it was her fault.

"Brittany, that's not what this is about. It was my first time too. And I know you love me, but not the way you would love a boy. Girls aren't supposed to date girls. It's not natural. We can be friends, or friends with benefits if you want, but I can't be your girlfriend."

Brittany shook her head, sad and confused. "I don't get it San, but I won't force you to be my girlfriend." Then she looked up and met San's eyes. "What does friends with benefits mean?"

_I can understand that you don't want to cross the line,_

_And you know i can't promise you things,_

_Will turn out fine,_

_But I have to be honest, I want you to be mine_


	7. Heroes and Thieves

#6: Heroes and Thieves

Artist: Vanessa Carlton

Santana felt her stomach clench and bile rise in her throat the first time she saw them together. Brittany was sitting on Artie's lap and nuzzling his nose with hers. Santana walked past dozens of sickening heterosexual displays every day, but none had ever made her feel as sick as this one. That was her Brittany, not his. She was supposed to be Santana's. Everyone knew to leave Britt alone, because she and Santana were inseperable. Apparently Stubbles McCripplepants didn't get the memo.

Santana couldn't stand the sight of them together, but for some reason she couldn't tear her eyes away. She stood, gaping and fuming over every touch, every whisper. Betrayal flooded her mind, angry and blinding, whispering words like knives. "She doesn't want you anymore." "She is going to leave you." Words that cut Santana to her broken bloody heart. She shrugged, trying to loosen herself from the voices that called for Artie's blood and Brittany's tears.

Her ears rang and throat clenched when she saw them kiss. How could she? It just wasn't right. Her hands balled into fists, and she tore herself away, knowing even one more second of watching them may push her over the edge. She stormed away, ran to the janitor's closet, locked the door, and slumped to the floor, her head in her hands as she cried and cried.

She knew that it was coming. She had told Brittany that they could never be together. She had told Brittany that she was only making out with her and having sex with her because Puck wasn't available. She had turned down singing a duet with her best friend, because she had recommended a known lesbian song. She had pushed Brittany away for fear that she would discover just how close to the truth that song hit. After Brittany had left, she had gone on her computer and deleted all the songs from Melissa Etheridge, in case anyone would know that she was listening to her and put two and two together.

But Artie? How could Brittany possibly settle for a cripple after being with Santana? Is that how much Brittany thought of her? She cried for the loss of hope. She cried for the pain of hiding such an important thing from Brittany. But most of all, she cried over the loss of love from the one person who said she'd never leave, and meant it.

She gulped down her tears, knowing she had already missed most of lunch. Her stomach screamed and gurgled in retaliation, begging her to feed herself. She sighed and stood up, wiping her eyes, and putting her classic "who-gives-a-fuck" look on her face. She opened the closet, and came out of it, closing it quietly behind her so no one would notice. She glared at anyone who dared to look her way a little too long, and repeatedly told herself she didn't care.

Then she saw her, Brittany, walking with some of the other Cheerios. Britt noticed her, and gave her a little wave and a questioning look. Santana ignored her and kept walking, telling herself she was over her friend, and that she needed to move on.

Then Santana repeatedly told herself something different, something startling, but settling at the same time. "In a year or two, when we're done school. Britt and I can be together for real. We can get out of here and be together with no one to judge and no one to care." She sighed as her racing heart soothed at the words, knowing that she might have a chance someday.

_Well I'm stubborn and wrong,_

_But at least I know it_

_I keep movin' along_

_Until I can get through this_

_But maybe this song is the best I can do it_

_So I'm patiently waiting on these. _

_Give me a year or two_

_And I'll mend my ways_

_And see these mistakes_

_And when I see the truth,_

_Darling trust me, when I can see_

_I'll be coming back_

_I'll be coming back to you_


	8. When You Were Mine

#7: When You were Mine

Artist: Tegan and Sara

Santana watched them out of the corner of her eye, wincing as she realized that seeing them together still hurt. Brittany and Artie had been dating for several months now, and Santana was getting used to seeing less of Brittany.

Sometimes Santana would call Brittany up and invite her over, only to be reminded aprubtly of the fact that Brittany was a part of a couple now. Britt would either mumble that she was at Artie's, or ask if Artie could come hang out too. They tried that once, hanging out the three of them. Artie had shot glares at the two of them as they cuddled on the couch, laughing and basically ignoring Artie. He had grown more and more upset, until he finally announced he could see he wasn't welcome and wheeled himself away. Britt had looked at Santana, full of confusion and regret, and then left, chasing after her boyfriend.

To Santana, something was broken that day. Brittany had chosen Artie over her, and that meant that they weren't the same. No more sleepovers, no more kisses in the dark, no more whispers in the middle of the night in Brittany's ear. Now Santana sat in the dark, hearing the rough sounds of Lima Heights Adjacent, knowing that she was truly alone for the first time.

Last night, Santana had been drunk and had called Brittany up to ask her to come over. She'd been really horny, and thinking about Brittany's body had made her so wet. She had almost shrieked when Britt picked up the phone, but her heart dropped when she realized what she was hearing on the other end. Brittany sounded out of breath and was panting slightly. She kept whispering for Artie to be quiet, or to stop that, she was on the phone. Santana's heart shattered in that second, and she hung up, ignoring the calls she was getting from Britt's number. She sat in the dark, in a tight fitting tank and undies, and had cried and cried until she had no more tears. She had shut off her phone, so she wouldn't hear the ringtone that Britt had set for herself.

Finally, she pulled herself out of bed and padded downstairs. Her mother was on a night shift this week, and that meant that Santana had the place to herself. She quickly found her mother's stashed rum bottle, and poured herself a large glass, all while lighting a cigar. Her mother would have dropped dead at the sight of her sitting, drinking rum straight while taking large drags of the cigar in her finger. Brittany would have frowned and told her that it wasn't safe. Santana gritted her teeth, and allowed the alcohol to fuzz her brain, taking the edge off the pain she felt in her heart. But the pain didn't completely go away, and she desperately wracked her brain for something to make it leave her alone. Then she called up Puck, and hooked up with him, hoping that the feeling of him in her would take away any thoughts of Brittany's sweet touches. Puck finished quickly and fell asleep next to her on the bed, and Santana didn't feel anything but hollowness. It had taken away the pain, but left her feeling empty and hollow, void of any emotions at all. The only emotion she felt, deep deep within, under all the layers of numb, was the knowledge that she loved Brittany S Pierce more than anything in the world.

_When you were mine, _

_You were kinda sorta my best friend, _

_So I was blind _

_I let you fool around _

_I never cared_

_I never was the kind to make a fuss_

_Then he was there, sleeping in between the two of us _

_I know that you're going with another guy _

_I don't care, cuz I love you baby, that's no lie _

_I love you more than I did when you were mine_


	9. Iris

#8: Iris

Artist: Goo Goo Dolls

Santana drew a deep breath as she and Britt sat cross legged on the floor in Miss Holidays temporary sex ed classroom. She was terrified to be there. Even more terrified to know the reason why she was there. Britt had confronted her about their "sweet lady kisses", saying why they can't have feelings. It was such a Brittany thing to say "It's better with feelings." Britt had always felt so much, and so readily. She was quick to joy, loving the feel of grass on her bare feet, or the drip of popsicle down her chin. She was quick to sorrow, crying when her first cat had passed away, and when Santana was in the hospital after her dad's attack. She was quick to laugh, quick to cry, and quick to be friends with anyone who needed someone. That was Britt. Santana had always marveled at the fact that two people as different as the two of them should come to be best friends, and maybe more.

So here she sat, on the floor, looking at Miss H, and feeling Brittany's presence beside her. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Miss H asked them if they thought they were lesbian, and could feel a slow trickle of sweat pass between her shoulder blades. She was terrified that somehow they both knew, and were just waiting for Santana to say it out loud. Well, that wasn't about to happen.

She came up with some lame reason why she liked making out with Britt, and mused in silence about the predicament she found herself in. When Miss H asked about singing a song, she opened her mouth before she thought better of it. She had listened to that song the day before, and had to pull her car over so she could drive. The way that it communicated the growth of a relationship from childhood on, and how she had changed, but kept Britt at the center, just hit home for her.

After that session, Santana followed Britt out of the room, and matched her pace with Britt's. She held out her hand, her pinky outstretched. She needed to know if Britt had left her on her own or not. She nearly cried with relief when they joined pinkies and walked down the hall.

That night, Santana was doodling on her math homework, her mind wandering back to the session. She bit her lip as she thought about what it meant to her to be a lesbian. She decided to draw it instead of merely thinking it. She drew a short, broad shouldered woman with short hair, hairy legs, plaid and birkenstocks. She laughed at the stereotypes, and drew a cat and a set of golf clubs in the back, just to finish it up. She then wrote words around her drawing, trying to really make sense of it all. She wrote words like "dyke" and "carpet muncher" along with words like "pride" and "coming out." She turned the page over, and began to write, clear on her intent and purpose.

Dear Britt-Britt,

I hope you know who this is from. I think I'm the only one who calls you Britt-Britt, but just to make sure, its Santana. I am writing you this letter because I am so scared to tell you this to your face. I am a lesbian. Not the plaid-wearing, hairy legged golfing type. I am the type that has feelings for girls, which I guess all lesbians do. More importantly, I am the type that has feelings for you. I've been fighting them Britt, because I can't be gay, but it doesn't go away. I am not ready for the world to see this part of me yet. Maybe after high school, maybe then I'll be ready. But right now, I can't let people see me any differently. I am so scared of what they'll say B. I just really want you to know who I am. I am Santana Lopez, your best friend. And I'm a lesbian. And I'm yours. And I love you.

Santana sighed and folded up the note with the picture on the back, slipping it into her backpack so she could deliver it tomorrow before singing Landslide to the woman she loved.

_And I don't want the world to see me _

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken _

_I just want you to know who I am _


	10. Someone Like You

#9: Someone Like You

Artist: Adele

Santana bit back a scream as she balanced on the tree branch right outside Brittany's window. When they were younger, Santana used the tree to get into Britt's room all the time. Now though, Santana was more cautious and way more terrified. The ground seemed to grow further and further away the more she looked down. She bit her lip until it bled, focusing on that pain instead of on the thrumming fear filling her veins. She had to admit, the incredible height was not the only thing that had her on edge. She was going to see Britt to tell her that she was still in the game.

In a thrillingly angsty and heartbreaking moment, she now dubbed the "hurt locker", she had told Britt that she loved her and wanted to be with her. She had this big long speech prepared, and had been shot down. Now, balancing on the limb outside Britt's window, she wondered for the thousandth time why she didn't just give up. Britt had chosen Artie. The very thought of it stung and burnt, throbbed and bit into Santana's heart like needles. But, Britt had also said she loved Santana back, and that if Artie wasn't in the picture, she would be with her. That's the thought Santana clung to as she tried to steady herself for the leap to Britt's roof. She closed her eyes and leapt, hoping beyond all hope that she'd hit the roof and not the ground.

She nearly screamed as her ankle twisted beneath her and she scrambled to her feet on the roof. She had easily made the jump, but her head still swam from the fear and adrenaline. She took a deep breath, gathered up her partly alcohol induced courage and knocked on Britt's window.

She could see a shadow moving to the window through the curtains and crossed her fingers that it was just Britt in the room. The curtains were pulled back and Santana smiled at the very confused, but happy look on Britt's face as she saw who it was. The window was opened and Santana fell into the familiar space, glancing around to see if anyone else was around. Seeing no one, she limped further into the room, sitting on the edge of Brittany's bed beside her best friend.

"What are you doing here San? Why are you limping? Are you okay? It's the middle of the night." She said the last part, glancing down at herself, clad only in her skimpy sleeping tanktop and boxer shorts. San couldn't help but smile at the Brittany-ness of it all, and prepared herself to leap off the cliff.

"I just came to tell you that it isn't over. I know you chose him over me." She made a shushing sound when Brittany tried to butt in. "I know I should just give up and let you be, but I couldn't do that. I know you know how much I love you. For me, this whole thing isn't over. I will keep fighting for you, and for us, until I win you."

Brittany's eyes filled with tears and she put her hand on Santana's cheek. "San, never ever give up. I am yours, but I'm also his. I'm happy with him S, he's good to me. It's about feelings and love when we're together, not just about sex. I can't hurt him San, that wouldn't be fair."

Now it was Santana's turn to cry, but her tears were not from sadness, but from anger. "You know what! Never mind! I hope you and Artie are happy in your post-coital bliss! I hope you marry and have fucking half-robot babies! I know I'll find someone too. Someone like you, but who wants to be with me!" She stood up and marched across the room, only to look back, her face now showing only regret and fear. Her bottom lip quivered as her eyes met Brittany's sad ones. "Just don't forget me B. Don't leave me out here in the cold alone. I can't be alone. I'm not strong enough B. I'm not brave like you." She crumpled to the floor and wept, holding her head in her hands, her whole body shaking with the sobs that ripped through her body.

Brittany ran over to Santana and wrapped her arms around her best friend. She kissed Santana's forehead, and then one by one kissed away all her tears. Then she kissed Santana's salty wet lips, smiling into them. "I'll always remember you San. I could never forget you. I love you, never forget that. You're stuck with me now S, now and forever. I promise." She said, joining her pinky with Santana's and resting her nose in the crook of Santana's shoulder.

_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited_

_But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it._

_I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded_

_That for me it isn't over_

_Never mind, I'll find someone like you_

_I wish nothing but the best for you too_

_Don't forget me, I beg_

_"I'll remember", you said,_

_Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead._

_Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,_

_Yeah._


	11. Throwing It All Away

#10: Throwing It All Away

Artist: Genesis

It was one of those rare nights that Santana's mother was home from work. She had traded shifts with a co-worker and worked a day for once, instead of a night. Now she was sitting not three feet away from Santana, intently watching her favorite soap, all while politely eating the pie Santana made.

Santana watched her mom out of the corner of her eye, quiet as she watched and thought. On the outside, she looked like she was enjoying watching a soap with her mom, but on the inside, she was a blur of confusion and fear. She was fighting inside herself, something had awoken inside her and was now fighting to be free of the cage it had been kept in. It was screaming in triumph, vocalizing its freedom, calling for its allies to come join the freedom's fight. The cage on the other hand, wasn't having any of it. It was shouting out words that kept the thing quiet, if only for a moment. Hateful, hurtful words that tore out of the beaten, broken bloody thing that was Santana's heart like bullets out of a gun. It infused the cage with strength, fighting even the most joyful cries from the thing within. Santana had built the cage around the thing when she was younger, and year by year, hour by hour, she had built it to be a strong, unbreakable thing. Every mumbled word of hate added a layer to the cage. Every gay slur and stereotype added a lock. Every fear and worry that Santana let slip, it ate it in, becoming bigger and stronger to prevent the thing inside it from breaking free.

A part of Santana desperately cheered for the thing inside the cage. She knew that it was a part of her, a part that made her who she was. She had some hope, somewhere in her withered heart, that the thing would be triumphant and break through its bonds to be free. But a larger, more fear driven part of Santana begged the cage to hold the thing inside it. She feared that thing more than she had ever feared anything. She had endured abuse, heartbreak and beatings. She could deal with that, for she was brave and strong. But when it came to that thing, she was no more than a child. That thing shone in her eyes, like a beacon, calling it to her, and it took all of her strength to tether her feet, refusing to go towards it.

So here she sat, feeling the tossing and turning of the struggle within her. She knew that if the thing in the cage won, she'd never be the same. However, she also knew that if the thing in the cage lost, and hid again, she'd be missing a part of herself. She gasped as the thing made one last attempt, throwing itself at the cage, a part of it skimming through the cracks and rising through her until it reached her mouth. Only the beating of her broken, battered heart warned her in time. She closed her mouth on it, knowing that a second ago, she was about to do it. She had almost come out to her mom.

'_Cause you know I know_

_baby_

_that I don't wanna go._

_We cannot live together_

_we cannot live apart_


	12. Broken

Track #10: Broken

Artist: Amanda Falk

Santana couldn't exactly say what compelled her to create a relationship with David Karofsky. Maybe it was the fear she saw in his eyes that were a mirror into her own fear. Maybe it was the fact that she knew they'd be safe if both her and Karofsky were out of the bullying circle. She didn't know exactly. What she did know is that she loathed him. She saw the fear in him that she beat out of herself, and she wanted to rip him open for the way he treated other people. Which only made her laugh, because she didn't treat people much better than he did.

She hated the way Brittany looked at her when she walked down the hall holding Karofsky's hand. Brittany looked betrayed, and broken, and it tore Santana up on the inside. The last thing she wanted to be doing was hurting Britt, but she didn't know what else to do to keep both of them safe from the school's reaction to their orientations. Brittany had tried to talk to her about it, telling her that people were never going to love her for her if she was honest to herself about who she was. Santana didn't understand where Brittany was coming from, but knew that there was some intelligence in what her friend had said. How could she be honest about who she was? That would be the scariest, most dangerous thing she could do, wouldn't it? Wouldn't people hate her? Wouldn't they slushie her in the halls and whisper behind her back?

She would never admit it to anyone, not even Britt, but Santana was miserable. She tried to put on a facade of being perfectly fine, if maybe a bit bitchier than normal. Everyone seemed to buy it, and accepted her relationship with Dave with almost no questions. She would spend the day, projecting an image that everyone expected to see, but then she'd go home and her walls would crumble down around her, and she would cry. She'd cry for her heart, which now barely resembled what it was. It had been hastily repaired some many times, that it barely did its job. It almost didn't know how to love anymore. The love it once possessed had leaked out the cracks and holes in the heart, and now she was left, scrambling to keep the love she had left. Sometimes she even though about leaving this world. Who would mourn really? The only reason she never did was because she knew that Britt would be devastated and would not understand why Santana was gone. But it was a dark time for Santana, and she sometimes cut the soft skin of her side, relishing the release of the toxins her broken, loveless heart was pumping through her veins.

That all stopped when Britt found the small cuts, and began to cry. Santana couldn't bear to see the woman she loved crying, and she stopped cutting, but still thought about it, and fought a daily battle to keep from doing it.

_I can't believe that I can't see _

_What's going on inside of me _

_But I can't try to pretend I'm all right _

_When I'm broken _

_Cause I'm broken _

_Sometimes you try to reach me, and I guard the only light _

_That can reach me _

_You want to reach me _

_Just about when I'm about to fall down you will come around _

_Just in time you'll touch this heart of mine _


	13. I'll Change

#12: I'll Change

Artist: Indigo Girls

Brittany raced down the hall towards her, stopping just inches away from her best friend. Santana couldn't help but smile. She's always thought of Brittany as patched together pieces of sunshine, woven together with the sweetest things found on earth. Britt was out of breath, and Santana could barely keep her eyes away from the heaving chest of her best friend. "Keep your head in the game Lopez, you can't afford to slip up now!" Her inner voice sounded a lot like Coach Sylvester. Santana forced herself to look at Brittany's face, but not in her eyes, knowing that was a weak spot for herself. She'd give in if she met those beautiful eyes that looked into her very soul.

Brittany finally stopped panting and leaned against Santana's locker, her face scant inches away from Santana's. "I'm glad I found you San! I wanted to talk to you about something!" Santana nodded, smiling at her best friends enthusiasm and joy at seeing Santana. Britt had a huge grin on her face, and she kept hopping in spot in joy.

"They just made it legal for people like us to get married in New York!" She practically screamed. Santana's eyes grew wide in horror and she put her finger to Britt's lips to silence her. Britt nodded and continued in a lower voice, her body still and more reserved now. "When we go to New York, we should go to a Lebanese wedding! It'd be cool to see how it would be for Lebanese women to get married! Don't you think San?"

Santana merely shrugged and attempted to look bored, trying to make Brittany forget this crazy idea. Britt continued on, much more reserved then she was after she ran down the hall. "Does this mean we can be together in New York Santana? If people like us can get married there, then they wouldn't care if we held hands. Right?"

Santana's heart flip at the thought of them holding hands. They hadn't done anything physical since she sang Landslide to Brittany, and her body was full of unleashed sexual energy. She forced it down, telling herself that even sex would be fatal at this point. She couldn't let herself feel anything for Brittany, even the one thing she'd thought she could keep separate from feelings. She felt her the thing in the cage cry in sadness as she spoke to Brittany. "Britt, it's not about where we are. Okay, maybe that would impact it a little. But the main reason we can't be together is that I'm not ready to come out. I'm not ready for all of that Britt. I'd be scared to hold hands with you, or kiss you in public. Even in a place like New York. I'm sorry Britt. We can go to a wedding chapel if you want, but we can't be together okay? Besides, I am with Dave now." Santana forced the last part out, knowing it would seal the deal for Brittany.

Brittany looked at her in total sadness and nodded her head slowly, a few stray tears dripping down her nose to land on the tiled floor of the school. She quietly said goodbye to Santana, and forlornly wandered off, not looking back at all. Santana waited until Britt was out of the hallway before letting her own tears fall, wiping them away with a rough hand. She whispered to the last glimpse of Britt's back. "I am so sorry Britt. When I change, I promise you'll be the first one who knows. I can't stop running now B. I don't know how..."

_One day I'll change you'll be the first one that I call._

_I owe you an apology too many thanks and that's not all._

_I've been running long before I learned to crawl._


	14. Porcelain Heart

This is written just after watching the newest episode of Glee. Do not read if you don't want spoilers for the "Purple Piano Project". I personally didn't enjoy the episode, especially the Santana portions, but oh well. So here it is, and remember to review please!

#13: Porcelian Heart

Artist: Barlow Girl

Santana smiled down at her pristine Cheerio's uniform, brushing off imaginary dust and loving the familiar feeling of the uniform on her skin. She knew that she was back on top, and that the summer had helped her to remember that her popularity was important to her, and that if she was going to make it through this year, she would have to get back on top. So she did, and now she was the Co-Captain of the Cheerios. She'd rather be the Captain, but at least she was near the top, and she wasn't planning on letting it slide this time.

She also knew that she'd get more of a chance to hang out with Britt this year. They had barely spent time together this summer. Britt had been a counsellor at Camp Dancypants, and she'd been gone most of the summer. They had seen each other three or four times, and then they had just acted like friends, nothing more. Santana had been relieved that they could even be friends still, and tried not to ache at the thought of being more. She had to push that out of her head if she was going to stay on top. So she did, that is, until she spotted Brittany again. Then the ache would creep back into her heart, and she'd sigh, working to push it away again. Who ever said having a broken heart was easy?

Then she saw Brittany, and the world tumbled down again. Her heart felt squeezed and tight, like it was trying to milk the last drop of love she had out, so it wouldn't hurt anymore. A part of Santana wished that would happen, so she could move past her best friend. But she knew it wasn't that easy. It never could be. She told herself to suck it up, that she had faced bigger things before, and that this broken heart wasn't any worse than all the others. She knew it was lies, but she told herself them anyway.

Then the unthinkable happened...she was kicked out of Glee Club. She didn't even get mad, or tell Mr. Shcuester off. She simply stood up and walked out, noticing the distinct lack of support she had gotten from anyone, especially Brittany. She continued to walk away, not letting herself feel anything. She slowly moved faster and faster until she was running full tilt down the hall, and into the safety of the Janitor's closet. She locked the door, sunk to the ground and sobbed. She never thought she'd be so sad to be away from that club, but it had been the best part of her day, and even her life. She knew it was her fault, but deep down inside she felt betrayed. Mr. Shue was supposed to know that she loved Glee and she deserved to be in the club. Now she was truly alone in the world once more, abandoned even by the family that she thought had accepted her.

_Broken heart one more time_

_Pick yourself up, why even cry_

_Broken pieces in your hands_

_Wonder how you'll make it whole_

_You know, you pray_

_This can't be the way_

_You cry, you say_

_Something's gotta change_

_And mend this porcelain heart of mine_

_Someone said "A broken heart_

_Would sting at first then make you stronger"_

_You wonder why this pain remains_

_Were hearts made whole just to break_


	15. Come Over Here

Track #14: Come Over Here

Artist: Sarah Bettens

Santana stared at her mother in dumb silence. She can't believe what had just slipped out of her mouth, as easily as if she was answering a question about her day. Her mother had asked her how she was, and Santana had answered the unthinkable. "Mom, I'm gay." Damn Brittany and her dumb dare! Now she sat in paralyzed silence, waiting for the hammer to drop on her, and to crush the last piece of her heart that was still beating.

Brittany had started the day before, again bothering Santana to come out to her mom. Santana had been on a short fuse, and had snapped at Brittany. "If you think it's so easy, why don't you come out to you parents Britt?" She thought that would settle the issue, but Britt just smiled back at her and nodded.

"Okay San I will. But if I do, then you need to do it as well." Santana had just rolled her eyes and nodded, knowing that she had nothing to worry about, since Britt wouldn't come out to her parents either.

The next day she had come to school, totally forgetting about the fact that Britt had dared her to come out to her mom. She had walked down the halls, cocky, and walking like she owned the place, which in reality she did. She wasn't in Glee anymore, which helped raise her coolness factor. She was definitely the HBIC now, and she was going to milk it for all it was worth. She was about to shove a tiny freshman in a locker for looking at her wrong when she was hit from behind by a giggling mass of blonde hair. She turned around, shocked and ready to hit whoever had just plowed into her. Then she saw it was Brittany, and she couldn't help but smile at Britt's wide smile and the pure joy shining out of her eyes.

"Guess what San! I came out to my parents last night! I told them that I love you, and that I have feelings for you. I even told them I had sex with you!" Santana groaned at the last part, but couldn't help but feel a jolt of love for this beautiful blonde that loved her so much. "Now it's your turn San! I came out and the deal was that if I did, you had to as well."

Santana felt her heart sink, and she pulled Britt into the janitor's closet, so they could have this conversation in a quieter space. "B, I am so proud of you. I know how hard and scary it must have been. You are so amazing B. Know that okay?" Britt nodded, her eyes so full of joy, Santana kicked herself for what she'd have to say next. "But I can't come out Britts. My mom will probably kick me out. I don't know, I'm just scared B. I'm not brave like you."

Brittany had looked so forlorn and betrayed, that Santana had gotten to thinking about what would happen if she did come out. Now she sat in the overwelming, suffocating silence, waiting for her Mami to respond to her comment. Finally, her mom cleared her throat and responded.

"Are you sure mija?" Santana nodded, her eyes full of tears, waiting on the battering she knew was coming. "Okay mija. This is about Brittany isn't it? You know I love Brittany, and I love you, and I want both of you to be happy. I'm so glad that you can help each other be happy. Thank you for telling me mija. Just give me some grandbabies okay?"

Santana burst into tears, allowing her Mami to hold her close and she let it all out. And for the first time, the thing in the cage spread it's wings, and let out a shrill cry of triumph, breaking the chains and the locks that bound it. It flew up and out of the now broken cage, perching on her heart. As it gave its song of freedom, the breaks and holes in Santana's heart began to close, as if all that was needed was honesty and the thing inside her to finally be free.

_Something tells you, you should go _

_Deep down you've always known _

_Something sweet is on the other side _

_Mama's gonna cry for you _

_Papa might disown you _

_You are getting ready for the ride_

_Wear this shirt you think you like _

_There's all kinds of shades of white _

_Embrace the colour in your life _

_You can't see beyond the wall _

_Paradise for those who fall _

_Out of grace, or simply out of sight_


	16. She's Saving Me

Track #15: She's Saving Me

Artist: Indigo Girls

Santana paused, her finger above the call button on her cell phone. Britt's name and number was on the screen. She was going to make the leap and call Britt to tell her what she had done. She was so full of joy, unbearable, unspeakable joy. She now knew what Britt had meant. She had to accept who she was before others around her could truly love her. But Britt had seen through all the bluster and BS that blocked Santana's heart, finding at the core, a loving, hurting human being just wanting to be loved and not alone.

Santana and her mom had stayed up long into the night, talking about Santana and how her life was. She never realized that the reason why her Mami hadn't been a part of her life was because Santana had blocked her out. Ever since that day when her Papi had nearly killed her Mami, Santana had pushed her away, keeping her at arm's length so nothing could hurt that bad again. Now, she had fully embraced her Mami, and that helped her remember just how loved and wanted she truly was. She may not have her Papi in her life anymore, but her Mami had just been on vacation, she had never truly left Santana's life, and she couldn't believe it had taken her so long to realize that.

She had told her Mami about the way she felt about Brittany. About the way her voice send shivers down her spine. The way the smell of Britt made her stomach do flips and her palms grow sweaty. The way simply being around her brought Santana to life. Her Mami had told her that she loved that Santana had found the person that made her feel that way, and repeatedly told Santana to hold on tight to Brittany, and never let her get away.

Santana intended on doing just that. Calling up Britt and asking her to be hers forever. Calling her up to tell her just how much she loved the blonde, and how amazing she felt being honest about who she was. She knew that tomorrow, she would confront Sue, and tell her that she was through being her spy, even if it meant being kicked off of the Cheerios. Then she would march back to Glee, and demand her spot back, telling the others that she belonged there, and coming out to them in one fell swoop. Then she would sit in the back with Britt, holding her hand and reveling in the beauty that was Britt being at her side.

But now she had stopped, thinking simply about how Brittany had made this all possible. Thinking about how the lack of Britt would have caused Santana's heart to become unrepairable. The thing that now perched on her heart was love. She knew now that it had never fully left her, only had been locked away, supposedly to keep her heart safe. Only now did she realize that by locking up love, she had locked up any hope of being with Britt. Now that it was free, she knew that she had it in her to love freely, and openly, and not be afraid of what other people thought.

Britt had saved her in a sense. She had taken a broken, scared child with a bleeding bruised heart and showed her what love truly meant. She had held that child close, and whispered that she'd never leave, and that no matter how foul and disgusting other people thought the child was, she'd always be precious in the sight of Britt. She had filled in the cracks in her heart, and allowed her to not just live, but to thrive.

_She's saving me I don't even think she knows it_

_It's a strange way to show it, _

_as distant as last night's dream unravels_

_She's saving me _

_I'm a very lost soul _

_I was born with a hole in my heart_


	17. You Can Do Better Than Me

I have to say, this is my favorite chapter I have written for this story. :) I wish everything that was written would come true :P Reviews please!

Track #16: You Can Do Better Than Me

Artist: Death Cab For Cutie

Santana walked into the Glee Club with a purpose. Her heart was full of joy and beating rapidly as she considered the next day and how it would go. She had decided not to call up Brittany to tell her about coming up, but rather tell her during her speech to the Glee club. She had already confronted Sue about not being a spy, and Sue had looked at her, almost in awe before replying.

"You know what Sandbags? I like your spirit. I know that you must have a very good reason to do this, and fear losing the Cheerios. However, I cannot have a co-captain who is not loyal to me. Sorry Lopez, you're off the team. But if you ever need a reference, look me up." She said, winking to Santana, before waving her off. Santana had come prepared in street clothes, and left her folded and ironed Cheerios' uniform on a chair in Sue's office, feeling sad, but almost lighter in a way.

Next, she marched to Glee Club, taking a deep breath before taking the plunge. She walked in, and she felt all eyes on her, some in shock, and others looking at her with suspicion. The ones she sought out were Britt's and they met hers with a shock, taking her breath away and making her pulse race. Mr. Shue cleared his throat and was about to reprimand her when she held up a finger, turning to look at him. "I'm sorry for just coming in here uninvited, but I needed to talk to you all about something. First I wanted you to know that I just told Coach Sylvester to shove it, and got kicked out of the Cheerios." All the eyes opened in surprise and she could hear some cheers. She smiled at them, and then asked for silence once more. "I also wanted to say something to one specific person in this room. This person has been by my side through everything, and has never let me down. Now it's my turn to not let her down." She took a deep breath and met Britt's eyes once more. "I'm gay. I always have been, for as long as I can remember. That's right folks, the only straight I am is straight up bitch! B, will you be my girlfriend?" The room descended into chaos, with looks of complete disbelief and even an exchange of money between Kurt and Blaine. But the one reaction Santana kept her attention on was Brittany's.

Brittany stood up, and the room silenced, all eyes now watching the two young women in their midst. Santana's eyes stayed locked with Brittany's as the latter climbed down and stood in front of Santana. Tears filled Brittany's eyes as she looked at the woman she loved, and Santana couldn't help but start to cry. Brittany cupped Santana's face in her hands, and slowly, gently captured Santana's mouth with hers. Her heart melted, the love bird crying out in complete victory, causing a wave of joy to crescendo through Santana's body. The room erupted into cheers, all of the Glee club rising to their feet to give them a standing ovation. Britt simply looked deep into her girlfriend's eyes and whispered in her ear. "I am so proud of you."

_It's like my heart can't be tamed_

_I fall in love every day_

_And I feel like a fool_

_I have to face the truth_

_That no one could ever look at me like you do_

_Like I'm something worth holding on to_

_There's times I think of leaving_

_But it's something I'll never do_

_'Cause you can do better than me_

_But I can't do better than you_


	18. When You Come Back Down

Track # 17 : When You Come Back Down

Artist: Nickel Creek

Santana couldn't believe she had to do this. It was the day after graduation, and she knew it had to be done, but her heart ached even thinking about it. She had spent the most amazing 8 months with Brittany, beside her, loving her and being proud of it. The school had reacted strongly to two of the most popular seniors becoming a couple, but it had blown over quickly with the next big gossip. Britt had been right, it was better with feelings. They loved one another, and it leaked out of every pore of their bodies.

However, Santana knew she needed to end it. Britt had gotten a full ride to Juliard, and was about to give it up to come to Boston to go to school with Santana. She couldn't bear to let Britt give up her dreams so that she could follow her own. She never wanted Britt to think that her dreams didn't matter as much. Santana knew how rare it was to get a fullride to Julliard, and wanted Britt to take the chance. So she knew she'd have to break her best friends heart, at the same time as her own.

She took a deep breath, willing the tears away until after Brittany left. Britt was coming over, thinking they were staying in to watch a movie. She hated that she had to lie, but she wanted to do this now before she and Britt started seriously looking at a place to live together.

Britt all but took her breath away when she breezed through the door. She was so beautiful, and so amazing, and Santana couldn't help but start to tear up. Britt leaned in to place a sweet kiss on Santana's lips, and she lost it, letting her tears fall freely now. She gently pulled Britt away from herself, keeping her hands on Britt's arms.

"Britty Bee, I have to say something. And I want you to understand that this if for you. This doesn't mean I hate you B. I love you, remember that." Britt nodded, her blue eyes worried. "We need to break up B. I want you to go to Julliard. You can't give that up for me. I need you to understand that this is because I love you."

Brittany's eyes filled up with tears and she took a step closer to Santana, shrugging away the arms that had tried to hold her still. "San, I care about you more than a school. I love you S. We can still be us..."

Santana shook her head, wishing this was easier. "No B. We can't. I won't be the reason that you can't pursue your dream. Go please Britt." Britt shook her head and took another step towards her, but Santana shook her head and took a step back. "Get out Brittany! I can't see you anymore!" Britt ran out of the room, crying into her hands. Santana fell to the ground, allowing her emotions to wash over her, her head in her hands. Her heart was broken, but she needed Brittany to fly, following her dreams, not being weighed down by someone like herself.

_You got to leave me now, you got to go alone _

_You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own _

_Before it slips away _

_When you're flyin' high, take my heart along _

_I'll be the harmony to every lonely song _

_That you learn to play _

_When you're soarin' through the air _

_I'll be your solid ground _

_Take every chance you dare _

_I'll still be there _

_When you come back down _

_When you come back down _

_I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return _

_My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn _

_And I won't feel your fire _

_I'll be the other hand that always holds the line _

_Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine _

_I'm strung out on that wire _

_And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call _

_Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high _

_I'll catch you when you fall _

_I'll catch you when you fall _


	19. The Light

Track #18: The Light

Artist: Sara Bareilles

The letters from Brittany had been coming less and less, and Santana worried that the blonde wasn't thinking about her anymore. She knew it was her fault that the two of them weren't together, but she never could have imagined how hard it was for her to live without her best friend and soulmate. Britt had attempted to get back together with Santana several times, but she pushed her away, not wanting the blonde to give up her dreams of dancing to be with her.

So she sat in her dorm room, wallowing in her own bad choices and regret. She hated law school. It was nothing like she imagined it would be. Her roommate was cold, and had literally put up a wall when she had found out Santana was a lesbian. She had thought Ohio was bad, but it wasn't much better in Boston. She felt suffocated. Stuck in a world that wasn't hers. She desperately wished she could close her eyes and find herself back in Brittany's arms, together and in love. But now, all she had was her own regrets, and the tears that lulled her to sleep at night.

Brittany had sent her some letters, chronciling her adventures at Julliard, and Santana knew she had made the right choice for the blonde. She was happy, and loving her classes. She was thriving not only academically, but also socially. Santana was a bit jealous of New York, in that they had the beautiful energy that was Brittany, and all she had was several letters to remind her of what she had lost.

Then it hit her. Why had she thought that only Britt could give up her dreams? Santana's dream had been to be a lawyer, but she could have given it up to follow Britt to New York. She kicked herself for her stupidity, and hoped that it wouldn't be too late. She opened several windows on her computer, quickly using some of her savings to buy a plane ticket to New York. She then packed up some of her stuff, hoping she could just call back to get her roommate to send the rest. She didn't want to get her hopes up to much, but she was going to get Brittany back, some way or another.

_You were the air in my breath _

_Filling up my love soaked lungs _

_Such a beautiful mess_

_Intertwined and overrun _

_And if you say "be alright" _

_I'm gonna trust you babe _

_I'm gonna look in your eyes _

_And if you say "be alright" _

_I'll follow you into the light _


	20. Change the World

Track #19: Change the World

Artist: Finger Eleven

Santana got off her plane, desperately hoping that Britt had got her message that she was coming to New York. She knew there was a chance that Britt wouldn't even want to see her. Her heart ached at knowing that it was a possibility. But she gathered up her courage, hoping beyond all hope that Britt would be waiting for her.

She got her bags, and slowly made her way into the terminal, terrified and excited at the same time. Her heart fell when she didn't see the familiar blonde head bobbing up and down. She wanted to go crawl into a corner, and cry. Maybe it really was too late.

Then she heard it, the sound of the most beautiful voice in the world, softly singing. She dropped her bags and turned around, seeing the love of her life for the first time in so long. Brittany stood behind her, her arms opened wide, softly singing Songbird, tears rolling down her cheeks. Santana couldn't help but break into a wide smile, and jumped into Britt's arms, reveling in the smell that hit her. She still smelled the same as she did when they had first kissed all those years ago.

She looked up, meeting those brilliant blue eyes, and allowing her own eyes to shed some tears. There was so much communicated in just a look between the two of them. Guilt, pain, and most of all, love. Brittany cupped Santana's face between her gloved hands, and kissed her softly. Electricity ran through Santana's body, and she couldn't help but smile into the kiss, tears coming freely now.

Brittany was the one who broke off the kiss, pulling Santana back to arms length and looking her over. "San. You look like shit." Santana laughed and softly pushed Brittany, loving the way Britt seemed more alive than ever.

"I feel like shit Britt-Britt. I made such a huge mistake. You are my dream, and I was stupid not to realize that sooner. I'm not going back to Boston. I hated it there. It felt so wrong. And now I realize it was because I didn't have you. If you'll have me, I want to move here...with you."

Brittany jumped up and down in joy, her eyes watering up once more. "Of course I'll have you Sanny!" Santana smiled and leaned in for another perfect kiss. "I love you Santana Maria Lopez."

Santana smiled, her head resting against Brittany's, their noses just brushing. "And I love you Brittany Susan Pierce."

_But I don't know if I can make it alone_

_And I don't have much more left to lose_

_I can't say for sure just where I'll end up_

_I just want to end up there with you_

_Don't you believe, girl_

_You'll change the world_

_At least you changed the world for me_


	21. You're My Inspiration

Track #20: You're My Inspiration

Artist: Chicago

Santana and Brittany walked hand in hand through central park, holding the balloons that Santana had begged Brittany had just laughed and agreed, to make her girlfriend happy.

Santana had lived in New York with Brittany for almost a year now, and they had never been happier. Sometimes she had to pinch herself to help her remember that this wasn't a dream, and that she was lucky enough to have someone as amazing as Brittany in her life. Brittany had just started up a dance school for children and teens just a few months ago, and it was already a huge success. Santana had never been prouder of her best friend. Santana had joined the police academy, deciding she needed to channel her inner bitch into something productive. She was top of her class, and was loving the work so far, and looking forward to being made an officer.

Suddenly, Santana's balloon began to drift away, and the two women watched it in dismay. Then, just as suddenly as it had blown away, it drifted to stop under a tree branch and popped loudly, something falling out and landing on the sidewalk under the tree.

Brittany had asked Santana what it was, but Santana had just shrugged, and told her to go look. Britt ran forward, kneeling down to look at the object that had fallen out of the balloon. Santana could barely contain her nerves and excitement as her girlfriend let out a gasp, and looked up at Santana, her eyes full of tears. Santana knelt down next to Brittany, gently taking the ring from Brittany's now shaking hands.

She took Brittany's hand and asked her to stand up. Brittany nodded, and clumsily got to her feet, obviously shocked beyond belief at what was happening. Santana smiled up at her girlfriend, her own eyes filling with tears as she locked eyes with Britt. She couldn't believe that after all that planning, the day was finally here. She took a deep breath and began her little practiced speech, trying to ignore the crowd that they were drawing.

" I don't remember a time where I didn't have you in my life. When everything else was crazy, and out of place, I always knew you'd be there. You are my rock Britt, standing strong in a world where everything is constantly changing. I remember the first time we kissed like it was yesterday. I knew right then that you were it for me. No one ever made me feel like you make me when we kiss. You're the most amazing person Britt. More amazing than even you know. And I thank God every day I wake up beside you, with you still loving me. You inspire me to be a better person Britt. God knows where I'd be without you." She took a shaky breath, and smiled up at her girlfriend once more. "Brittany Susan Pierce, will you marry me?"

Brittany's eyes never left Santana's through the whole speech, her smile spreading into a huge grin, as tears of joy dripped down her face to land at Santana's feet. She gulped, and nodded frantically as Santana asked her to marry her. Santana smirked at her, and Brittany realized she needed to say something. "Of course I will babe."

Santana stood up, and placed the beautiful engagement ring on Brittany's long graceful fingers. She pulled Brittany in for a kiss, and smiled as she realized that she heard applause. The park had literally frozen, and now the people were applauding them. They heard several shouts of "How adorable!" and "Such a beautiful couple!" How different New York was from Lima. She pulled Brittany close to her once more, shutting out the world, shutting her eyes, knowing that this beautiful woman, her best friend in the world, was going to be her wife.

_You know our love was meant to be_

_the kind of love that lasts forever_

_And I want you here with me _

_from tonight until the end of time._

_You should know, everywhere I go_

_Always on my mind, in my heart_

_in my soul..baby_


	22. Because You Love Me

So this is my last chapter flashback chapter of this story. I am strongly thinking of doing a companion piece to this one from Brittany's point of view. What do you think about that? I'd love to get some feedback, and maybe some comments on what you'd like to see! Thanks for reading guys!

Track #21: Because You Love Me

Artist: Celine Dion

It was a beautiful day outside, which only reflected the intense joy Santana felt in her heart. She couldn't believe that on this day, after knowing the love of her life for the last 15 years, she was going to get married. Even at the tender age of 5, Santana knew Brittany was her soulmate. They used to play games where Santana and Brittany would get married and have babies, and she distinctly remembers getting in trouble in school for calling Britt her wife.

Now it was happening for real. She was going to be married to the most amazing, beautiful, loving woman she could imagine. She knew that Britt was a few rooms over, getting ready with her mother and her little sister. Santana's mother had helped her get into her dress, and was now waiting, with tears in her eyes, to walk her down the aisle. It was now or never.

Santana's mom took her arm, and began to walk her down the long aisle, and Santana couldn't help but get teary eyed at all the familiar faces. Britt's side of the yard was full of her extended family, and her many dancing friends, Santana's side was much smaller, but it cheered her to see several smiling faces she knew so well. Quinn was sitting there, next to Rachel. They were beaming at her, and she could feel their joy. Next to Rachel was Kurt, who was unashamedly weeping as he blew her a kiss. Next to him was Blaine, who smiled and mouthed "Courage" to her. Last of all, was Puck. He, surprisingly was crying almost as much as Kurt, but he managed to wink at her and give her a thumbs up. Finally, she reached the end of the aisle, kissed her mom on the cheek and stood in front of the aisle, waiting for her beautiful bride to emerge.

She came, and Santana could not imagine a more beautiful bride in all the world. Tears sprang to her eyes as they locked onto Brittany's, and never once looked away. Britt beamed at her, her own eyes full of tears as she slowly approached. Their eyes remained locked, and Brittany whispered "I love you so much" as she was passed off to her from Britt's father. Then, they stood, hand in hand, staring so deeply into each other's eyes that they forgot anyone else was watching. Then, when they heard "You may kiss your bride!" Santana captured Britt close to her, and kissed her fiercely. The crowd cheered, and Santana whispered in Britt's ear. "I love you too Mrs. Pierce-Lopez"

_For all those times you stood by me _

_For all the truth that you made me see _

_For all the joy you brought to my life _

_For all the wrong that you made right _

_For every dream you made come true _

_For all the love I found in you _

_I'll be forever thankful baby _

_You're the one who held me up _

_Never let me fall _

_You're the one who saw me through through it all_

_You were my strength when I was weak _

_You were my voice when I couldn't speak _

_You were my eyes when I couldn't see _

_You saw the best there was in me _

_Lifted me up when I couldn't reach _

_You gave me faith 'coz you believed _

_I'm everything I am _

_Because you loved me_

_You gave me wings and made me fly _

_You touched my hand I could touch the sky _

_I lost my faith, you gave it back to me _

_You said no star was out of reach _

_You stood by me and I stood tall _

_I had your love I had it all _

_I'm grateful for each day you gave me _

_Maybe I don't know that much _

_But I know this much is true _

_I was blessed because I was loved by you_


	23. Conclusion

**Last chapter of this story! Hope you all enjoyed it! I am sad that it's over, but excited to start on Britt's mixed CD adventure! I'd love to get some more reviews, so if you took the time to read all the way to this point, please write a review and let me know what you thought about it! Thanks guys! **

I finished the CD, wiping away stray tears that it brought to my eyes. I then took the disc out of the computer, and lovingly drew on the CD with a permanent marker, drawing a large heart, with B and S inside it, and unicorns, cats, and lips surrounding it. I kissed it, and placed it in a CD case and that CD case into a gift bag for Britt to open tomorrow. I remembered to shut the lights off in the guest room, and softly made my way to the room I shared with Britt. I quietly shucked off my clothes, and crawled into bed beside the woman I love. Britt mumbled, and nuzzled into me, and I had to smile as Britt's cold feet brushed my own. I leaned over and kissed the tip of Brittany's nose, and settled into sleep.

The next morning, I was woken up by the loud, rather excited screams of my wife. "San! San! I feel like it's Christmas morning! Wake up sleepy head!" She bounced on the bed, landing with a grunt beside me, and kissed me sweetly, before smiling. "Come on San, lets give each other our presents!" I groaned and grunted, pretending like the adorable antics of my wife were hard to wake up to.

I shuffled into the living room and sat on the floor beside Brittany, suddenly excited to spend the day with my wife, listening to the music I had made, and telling her what each song reminded her of. Brittany pulled up her gift bag beside her, and began to toss tissue paper in the air willy nilly. I laughed at my wife, and my heart felt so full of love it was overflowing. Brittany reverently pulled out the CD that I had made, and looked up at me, a weird look on her face. Then she burst out laughing, clutching her sides, and even snorting. I felt horrified, and suddenly wished I was anywhere but where I was. Brittany was laughing at the gift I made for her!

A single tear went down my cheek, and Britt noticed, and immediately stopped laughing. She swooped my up in a hug, and held me close, whispering in my ear. "Oh baby, I wasn't laughing at what you gave me. I love it San! I can't wait to listen to it. It's just..." She pulled the gift bag she had wrapped out, and motioned for me to open it. I did, and when I pulled out her gift, a smile lit up my face.

There in my hand was a CD she had made for me. I looked into my wife's mirth filled eyes and couldn't help but laugh, and soon both of us were rolling around on the floor and laughing. After we had exhausted ourselves from laughing, she crawled over to where I was laying on the floor and laid over me, placing a perfect kiss on my lips. "I guess great minds think alike Sanny!" She said, and stood up to put in the CDs we had made for each other.


End file.
